Of late, I have been thinking of taking up the habit of
keeping a journal, and I suppose now is as good a time as any to start.
Today, I awoke well before dawn, though that is not so
rare. The dreams--nightmares--still
plague my mind. Once more, it was as if
I relived that night near Bree. I could
all but feel it, the shadows coiling around me, the tree against my back, her
invading my mind, seeking I know not what...
And once more, I was frozen, unable even to reach my sword's hilt or cry
for the aid of Elbereth Gilthoniel. Then
that scene melted away, and I found myself within Mirkwood with my dear
Merilwen once more. She took my hand in
hers as we made our way through the wood, and her green eyes shone... Then I saw it all happen again before my very
eyes, as I have so many times before.
The Orcs appeared as if from nowhere. And though some part of me knew
that it was merely a dream, I dreaded what I knew would happen. I awoke with a jolt--much relieved to find
myself within my home once more--and could not return to sleep after such
dreams. These fell dreams are surely the
work of the scar upon my mind, taunting me with my fears and weaknesses... And yet, now more than ever, I must not lose
hope. I must not--cannot--give in to
fear or to despair. This foe must be
faced, and I do not intend to let it best me.
Thankfully, I do not face this trial alone. Speaking of such matters may not be easy, to
say the least, but I am glad beyond words to have such kinsmen and friends
supporting me in this time of need. Truly,
I am blessed to know them, and I trust them with my life. Already, I have been given wise counsel and
words of encouragement... Skalithor,
Tarvhos, and Hawkinz especially have offered support and wise words (though I
must not forget the words of Assyle or Wavern).
I have found myself thinking upon their words of late... Poor Hawkinz seemed to blame himself for what
has befallen me when last we spoke, for meeting him that day in Duillond led to
becoming a kinsman, and much has happened since I joined the kinship. Unfortunately, not all of it has been
pleasant... But as I said to him, I do
not blame him for what has happened--it was not his doing, and I daresay he
could not have foreseen what would happen.
And Skalithor has given me wise advice, indeed--he told me that I must
cherish the good memories of that short time spent with my darling, which I
intend to do. And he reminded me that
our parting will not last forever.
Someday, I will sail into the West, and I pray that she is there to
greet me upon the white sands of the Undying Lands. But not yet, for there is still much to be
done. I am a Guardian, and I know my
duty well. Until that day, my shield and
sword will be at the ready to serve my kinship and the Free Peoples.
Of late, my mind has also turned to something Tarvhos said
during one of our most recent conversations.
I cannot remember his exact words, but he questioned why I had not often
spoken of personal matters. I trust my
kinsmen with my life, in all truth. But
it is...difficult to speak of such things.
I have always been a quiet person, giving more to listening and
learning, and often I have been reluctant to share my burdens with others for
fear of causing them grief or worry. I
know such a thing is foolish... And
Merilwen told me that there is nothing wrong with unburdening your heart to
others. But I have been carrying much within
me for some time, and at the start, I was not certain how to go about unloading
it. And yet, I have been getting better of
late, I feel. Even if certain things are
painful to speak of, it is also a relief, as though there have been heavy loads
lifted from my shoulders.
Today has been a quiet day, and has given me much time to
think of such things... A good part of the
morning was spent in Michel Delving at the forge--Huck needed new horseshoes,
and I crafted nails and the like. It did
my heart good to do so, I think. I do not
mind crafting tools of war when the need arises--I must admit, there is a sense
of pride in forging a shield or a piece of armor or what have you--but I would
forge more simple things if I had the choice.
It is calming, in a way. The
sound of the hammer striking blends with the beating of my own heart, and I am
focused upon the work before me. Such
work brought back memories of time in the forge with Father--for after I had grown
enough to swing the heavy hammer, he first taught me how to forge by crafting
simple things such as nails, and that manner of work was what he first allowed
me to do when I grew enough in skill to wield the smith's hammer by myself. I could ask for no better teacher--he would
explain all that he did and why, and oftentimes he would let me assist in the
forging itself so I might learn by doing.
And even when I made mistakes (for while my folk may be graceful, we too
can make foolish errors) he was patient with me. Aye, there were more times than I care to
recall where I burned myself or hammered my own hand by accident, I must admit,
and there were certainly trips to Merilwen and her teacher so that they might
apply soothing ointments or bandages. Though
I daresay a smile from her was enough to ease any pain (or wounded pride)...
After I returned from Michel Delving in the afternoon, I
tended to Huck and took a short ride around the neighborhood--partly to give
him some exercise and partly to see if all was well. Thankfully, I have seen or heard nothing
amiss lately. Well, besides that Hobbit
fellow I saw running atop the fence last night... He seems a little odd, perhaps--calling
himself the Night Runner or somesuch--but he appears to be quite harmless. I went to the kinship house after my ride and
made certain that all was well, as is my duty.
I am glad to report that there has been no trouble today. In fact, it
was rather quiet, though that is certainly no bad thing. I have not seen Dorus today, though that is
not uncommon. He seems to prefer to keep
to himself, and I've no wish to disturb him.
If he does wish to speak to me, I suppose he will.
The sun is setting now, painting the whole neighborhood. It looks like it will be a fine night... Perhaps I will go visit some friends after
supper, or perhaps I will go fishing tonight.
It is quiet and peaceful by the pier, and I could catch tomorrow's
supper into the bargain. Or perhaps I
will go and listen to the trees, as Assyle showed me once. They must have many tales to tell... At any rate, I have nearly reached the end of
this sheet of parchment--while there is more I wish to write about, it will
have to wait until another time.
